Early morning musings and an introduction to my new world

It's 3.37am and this is the best time of day for me to get anything done.  In fact, I ought to be taking dry nannpies off the line and putting them back together again for the morning.  Or stoking the fire so it doesn't go out.

I fed junior at 2.30pm but he only ate 75 ml so of course he woke up again at 2.55 hungry and had another 50.  This happens a lot.  He is a major snacker. Thankfully the feed frequency has reduced from 19 per 24hr period to about 12-15. His sleeps between feeds have not got past 3.5 hrs and those ones are rare. Very rare.  Once, just before his 8 week vaccinations, there was a night when he slept for TWO three hour blocks.  I thought I had died and gone to heaven.  Post vaccination he went back to hourly waking. That was an ugly 48hrs, when he was feverish and fretful, listless and generally pretty miserable. Thankfully there seem to be no lasting adverse affects and I am very grateful for that.  It is always a risk you take, albeit small, but it is still a risk.

So, in the main, he sleeps in 20-30 minute blocks in the day, and 1.5-2hr blocks in the night.  Which makes for a particularly interrupted life in general. I did have some fantasy that he would sleep four hours at a time, and eat 6-8 times a day, but that must just be what the books say to lull you into a false sense of security.

He's putting on weight and height as he should and following the median line for his sex and age, so he's obviously getting enough food, he just doesn't like big meals. And suffers a lot form wind, so he gets 25 ml down, then has a wind attack and I have to get him up and walk around with him in the ergo carrier until we get the burp out (could take an hour) or he falls asleep in frustration, after I have blasted his eardrums with some loud bass-y tunes.  He really loves music, and has particular favourites, which I think is very cute.  Unfortunately for me, although I like music I also like a lot of silence, and the amount of music I need to play in a day to keep him soothed is much more than my overstimulated senses can cope with.  It's making me slightly mad, I think.  Also the repetitive nature of his 'favourites' is ruining some of my favourite CD's.  But at least it isn't the Wiggles or some other demented children's nonsense. Yet.

Having said that, he has a 'jungle gym' that FIL bought, which plays rainforest music and calypso versions of nursery rhymes (about 5 different tunes) which he totally adores and we keep in the bathroom.  That's where he goes so we can shower in peace, and he just loves watching the flashing lights and listening to the music.  It drives Mike crazy because he gets the song stuck in his head the whole day after his morning ablutions.  So he put it on just the rainforest sounds and when I placed Louis in there today he almost cried at the rainforest sounds, and then put on a huge smile at the 'calypso disco', as I call it.  So he definitely has clear preferences.

My days look something like this:

Handover to Mike at 6am and go to bed downstairs in the children's library with earplugs in until 8am.  Get up, have a shower and with any luck there is a coffee waiting for me when I get out. Before I eat I generally tidy up the main bedroom, collect up the nights 8-10 nappies and put a load of washing on. Mike usually washes the night's bottles but sometimes does not have time before work.  After breakfast and Louis's next feed, I fill them and make up the next batch of formula/breast milk combo.

Mike usually gives Louis his feed while I eat my breakfast, depending on whether it is an early start for him or not.  I am not a fan of the days where he leaves at 7.30am, as I miss out on extra sleep and am very behind in the chores all day. Mostly it is 9am, which is much more respectable.

On Tuesdays and Fridays the cleaner comes from 9.30-11.30. Yay. Clean floors and bathroom.  And shiny stove again. And a bit of contact from the outside world. 

By 10.30 I have usually done a couple of feeds, sorted the nappies, hung out the next load of washing and put the old away, filled either the woodbox or the wheelbarrows (2) outside the back door with firewood, dealt with the bottles, pulled something out of the freezer for dinner, pulled the next lot of breast milk out of the freezer for Louis's dinner. I've had my shower and washed my hair. I've looked at my list of things to do and seen that I've done none of it besides the daily routine stuff. I've probably put Louis in the front pack and left him there to eat, sleep and burp for a couple of cycles after attempting to put him in the bassinet and failing.  About 3 times a week I give him a bath-morning or afternoon, whenever I can fit it in.

And somehow lunchtime comes around and I'm starving but before I can get a bit in my mouth, Louis decides he is also starving and we spend an hour or two dancing around the feed/wind issue. If I am lucky and he sleeps (probably in the frontpack only) after this, I can get 'extra' chores done.  Ironing, filing, bills and assorted paperwork, emails etc.  Maybe even phone calls. About twice in ten weeks I've got out for a walk by the river with him in the pram, and the same amount of times I have got into the garden to weed, and onto the mower to keep the field down. I have managed to wax my legs once, get one haircut, one reflexology session, one shiatsu and one pedicure.  

By 4pm I am starting the evening prep.  Making sure fire is lit if I let it go out. Closing all the windows and doors, shutting the curtains, washing and filling the bottles again, taking 5 upstairs to the bar fridge in the studio for night feeding. Making more formula mix if it's needed. Putting another load of nappies on to wash, hanging them out. Making sure my burp cloths and bibs are fresh and in the correct position for the evening/night shift, making sure I know where the upstairs dummy and downstairs dummies are. General tidy up of the day's doings.  In between all the prep Louis will want a feed, which can take up to an hour and a half if the wind is particularly bad, so I'm not always finished the chores by the time Mike gets home from work at 5.30 (or 6.30 Thursdays due to aikido training). I like to be though, so we can have an hour to chat/debrief before I trundle off to bed at 6.30 and do Yoga Nidra til 7pm.  Later to bed on Thursdays, which sucks a bit.

Up at midnight (unless Mike gives me an extra half hour or sometimes even hour if I've got very run down) to take over. Try to snooze for half an hour before Louis wakes for a feed but don't always manage it.  I seem to become awake, and that's that. He was feeding every hour, which was horribly gruelling for about 9 weeks, but he has just cut back to maybe only 3 feeds in the midnight to six block, and generally goes back to sleep, but often only on me, as he thashes about and writhes in agony on his back with the FUCKING WIND.  Did I mention he has a bit of a wind issue? Sigh.

If he is not on me, I can sort the dry washing and put nappies back together, tool around on the internet shopping and catching up on facebook and word with friends. Sometimes I even read a bit of a novel, but that's rare. And this blog post has taken me two nights so far.

I prefer not to take him into town to be exposed to germs, so I only go in when someone else can look after him, which is maybe once or twice a week. And I haven't been to the gym in almost three months. My car is still half full of petrol: I filled it the week before Louis was born and he is ten weeks today, so I'm certainly saving money on fuel. LOL.

Really, there is no routine except that he will feed 12-15 times a day and get through 20 nappies, and have a few 20 minute catnaps and a couple of two hour sleeps if we're lucky, but exactly when or how long any of that takes is anybody's guess and I just fit in the rest of the things I have to do around that.  Seems pretty normal to me. I don't have a problem with slowing down, taking longer to do things and putting things on hold. And thankfully all but one of my friends have been very supportive and understanding of my lack of interaction with them. Probably the amount of time I spend maintaining relationships has suffered the most (apart from exercise), but being an extreme introvert that is not so much of a problem for me as the sharp downturn in availability of time i can spend on my own, in silence. apart from when I am asleep, this is almost nil.  Which may be why I don't mind being awake 12-6 because during those hours I do sometimes get quiet time to myself.

I think this post probably reflects quite accurately my current state of mind.  Fragmented, jumbled and all over the place.  Snatches of this and that. Gone seems to be my rational line of well prepared thought.  My memory.  My sense of proprioception, even.  I'm so tired it's making me super clumsy.  I'm not as together. I'm not a complete airhead- I haven't forgotten any birthdays and most people have received presents. but there is definitely a sense of something missing,

And also, of course, something gained.  This wonderful new being I am embarking on this adventure with.  Who is filling my heart with more love as each day passes. We still have to pinch ourselves to believe he's real, he's in our home, our family, and we have him forever. Such an incredible gift.

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