At no point have I been itching to get this post down. In fact, I have found myself quite reluctant to talk about any of our plans and processes since the last failed egg donation. I just can’t seem to find the energy to explain about what it is we are doing next and what that all involves. In my opinion, it costs me more energy than it is worth and more than half the time the recipient of the information doesn’t understand it or comprehend the emotional cost it takes for me to tell them.
Although I know my readers here DO understand the process, and also have a good idea of the energy it takes to tell the story, I am still reluctant to go into it in much detail. I guess I just don’t want to be reliving it right now, and investing more of my time and energy in a place where I would rather not even be. So here is the short version:
I saw a new Dr on the Friday before the counselling sessions, in the hope she could put me on some progesterone or something to improve my chances of carrying the donor egg embryo next year. She basically said she couldn’t help me, gave me the name of another Dr who did acupuncture for infertility, and told me to go on more holidays and relax. I told HER “I can’t believe you actually said that” and she said “well there IS a correlation” and I said “I’ve got pregnant on holiday twice, and lost both of them, so what do you say to THAT?” and she said nothing, and didn’t end up charging me for the consult. I felt like shit for the rest of the day. Dismissed again.
Had a beautiful lunch on the following day, with B and M and three of the kids, and my DH. B cooked amazing Persian food and we all ate far too much and loved every minute of it.
I put my T3 script into the compounding chemist and got chatting with the receptionist about my recurrent miscarriage and she gave me the name of a clinic called Fertility Care in Perth who, I have since discovered, use NaPro Technology. I know people who have had success with this. I’m not rushing into thinking it’s going be the cure-all, I was just hoping for an endocrine workup and probably some progesterone/DHEA combo for the short luteal phase. I have booked an appointment for Nov 17th, the day after we return from the Blue Mountains, so DH can come along to the session too. Last night we filled in the pre-appointment forms. Mine took me an hour and a half to fill out, and every last gruelling detail was in there. One of the questions was “what have you liked LEAST about your treatment so far?” and my answer was, “1. being dismissed by most care practitioners who do not care to search for a solution to my problem; 2. having this insane amount of detail to give to each new practitioner I see, and emotional cost of retelling my journey EVERY SINGLE TIME.” If these guys tell me to relax, I will SERIOUSLY lose my shit. I swear to God. Another question was “What have you liked most about your treatment so far?” DH and I both wrote separately, without consultation, “NOTHING”.
Monday we did the IVF clinic counselling for egg donation, and it was surprisingly easy. The counsellor didn’t go over the same questions we’ve had every other time. Instead, we talked more about how this latest disappointment affected us, how our marriage/relationship is going, and I got to talk about my ongoing grief reaction and how it has impacted on my ability to have energy left for other people, and how I carry the lion’s share of the emotional load for DH, which was good for him to hear in the presence of a third party- I felt validated and I think he took it on board better than me just telling him, like I normally do.
So that went smoothly, as did the joint session with M and her husband. We’ll go back for the post-three month cooling off session at the end of January. I’m yet to make that appointment as they haven’t got their 2012 calendar in yet. Sigh.
Then we met with our lawyer who basically said she didn’t understand why the IVF clinic wouldn’t do the trad surro procedure if it was legal. Yeah, we said, we don’t either. Oh, she said, I was thinking there might be a LOGICAL explanation. Nope. She also discovered that the surrogacy legislation disagrees with the human reproductive technology act as to ownership of an embryo created by artificial insemination. So we brought that to the attention of the clin psych the following day, so he can pass it on to the RTC who might do something to rectify that when the legislation gets reviewed next year. Or not. Anyway, the bottom line was that the new surrogacy agreement would be easy to write up, and done quite soon. So I’ve left it with her.
Tuesday we all met with the clin psych and that went pretty smoothly as well, although it was a long day. There were a couple of things he brought up that pushed my buttons but that’s a post for another time. In essence, though, he said he’d recommend our application be approved and would encourage the RTC to move through the process as quickly as possible. We’ll probably get the report through in a few weeks’ time. The RTC also wanted him to speak with some clinic in NZ who (although they don’t have legislations for it) do TS a lot with Maori couples, in order to get a feel for the practical and ethical dilemmas those participants might face. He may need to speak with us again in light of what he discovers.
And that is the very basic outline. There is more fine tuning under that which I haven’t got it in me to go into. The ball is rolling, but we are still unclear how much more work there is to do. I imagine we’ll have to phone the RTC when we get back from hols to see where they are at. But until then, I am putting this aside and having a rest. I am also telling people, who ask, that I can’t talk about it right now. Go Me!!! Boundaries!! I really CAN’T talk about it, and I finally realise that I don’t bloody well have to. Phew.
So that was the short version of me not talking about it. Lol.
I think I preferred the stroll through the garden….
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