Last Donor cycle ends

Feeling a bit like a peanuts cartoon around here.  Setting up to kick that damned ball, yanked away at the last minute, over and over again.  If only there was a Lucy to blame.

B’s progesterone was way too high, which according to the clinic indicates a poor outcome for the cycle.  Often, they said, the eggs don’t fertilise, or if they do, fail to implant.  The two follicles that were initially observed faded into one, which they were then unable to determine if there was even an egg in there, or if it was a cyst.  Given the expense of continuing against the likelihood of success, they cancelled the cycle yesterday.  We are all upset, obviously.

I am not pregnant, which is some relief.  The farm retreat was nice, but superficial.  I still feel at rock bottom, and now having to deal with this latest blow.  We have some major discussions ahead about whether to continue, using M’s eggs.  Given that this will have a reasonable chance at success, it might seem like a no-brainer.  But in practice it isn’t that simple.  Another year of this might kill me.  My spirit is so weakened, my sense of self in tatters, my emotional reserves on below empty.  People keep asking me how I can carry on, and the truth is I don’t know.  And I don’t know if I can.  We’ll take  a rest, do some soul searching, and re group.

In other disappointing news, the quote for my studio extension came back at 50K.  We were thinking 25.  Shit.  It is out of the question.  Doesn’t help to know that I could have had that room if I hadn’t spent even more than that amount on fertility treatments.  I wish the money factor was easier for me to let go, but I still feel so much resentment toward it.  What tangible life-improving things I could have had for that cash, instead of intangible soul destroying grief for the same amount of money.

So, anyway, there is a lot to process.  Even more than usual.  And I am still struggling with my wrist injury (though the back is finally into the next stage of healing, which is a comfort) and am still incapacitated, and my jeans are getting ever tighter, which I loathe. Especially as summer is around the corner.  I am struggling to find something I like about myself right now, which makes it harder to cope.

One bright aspect in our lives at the moment is the arrival of a couple of Canadian WWOOFers (Willing workers on organic farms).  My gardening and housework is getting done, (to my standards, no less!) and other aesthetic improvements are being made (pics to follow).  All we have to do is feed them. They worked/stayed Saturday, Sunday and yesterday.  They are away for today and tomorrow, back at work here Thursday and Friday.  Not sure when they will leave, it is open ended right now.  We need the help, and they are bright, enthusiastic, hard workers who take initiative and think things through. They are also self sufficient (don’t need entertaining) and are not prying into our obvious sadness.  It couldn’t be better, and I give thanks that we have this support in our time of need.

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