I’ve been toying with the idea of making this blog password protected for about six months now. I think I am edging ever closer to doing it. I know this will not be popular with casual readers or those who like to remain anonymous, and I am sorry for that. However, this is a place where I need to feel safe about what I write, and I don’t really want to censor myself unduly, which means I need to monitor who has access to these words. And ultimately I am writing this blog for me, so my needs have to come first.
I’ve had a link to my blog from my Facebook account for some time now, and although not many of my Facebook friends (IRL) have ever commented, I know it is being read. I could remove the link, but I couldn’t be sure who has already saved it. I don’t have a problem with most of my Facebook friends reading my blog – I don’t normally accept anyone as a friend unless they really are a good friend, so I have never felt the need to find out who is reading and who isn’t. And as most of you have gathered by now I am quite open and honest and don’t mind sharing what is going on for me with my friends.
Recently, however, there was an incident IRL just after my latest failed donor egg attempt, where I vented to 2 people (in fact, my closest friends) about a particular response to an expression of my hurt feelings that I didn’t feel was very supportive. I thought those vents were safe, and in the strictest confidence, but that wasn’t the case, and I didn’t enjoy having to deal with the fallout. I understand how hearing the vent secondhand made that person feel, but that vent wasn’t for them to hear, or I would have told them to their face. It was for me to let off some steam in the heat of the moment. Now I feel betrayed and unsafe.
This situation has made me rethink what I say and who I say it to. This is not about gossip – I don’t like to talk about people behind their back for the sake of thrills and drama. I also don’t repeat back to someone what another person has said about them, because it is not my story to tell, and it generally is only going to cause pain, which I am not interested in doing. This is about me being able to say how I feel about something in the most honest and stripped back way possible, so I can have a good hard look at those feelings and work through them. Unfortunately it seems that not everybody shares this view, and so I am going to have to get tighter and more selective about who I offload those immediate knee jerk reaction moments to. If it is not to my closest IRL friends, to whom can it be? Hence, I like to be able to do this here, because it is my safe place. I know it is a risk I take writing a bog, that others can do with the information I write here as they see fit. I would like to lessen that risk by vetting my readers and hope that I am choosing wisely.
I have no idea how to go about doing password protection on Blogger, and it might take me a while to figure it out. I’m just giving you all a heads up in the meantime.
If you ask me for the password and I don’t give it to you, it is because for whatever reason, I do not trust 100% that my words are safe with you, and that they will go no further than your eyes, and that a third party won’t end up hearing about something I have said here. I am sorry if this offends or upsets you. I don’t know how to cushion it better. It is what it is. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you, or that we are not friends. It probably just means I can’t be sure there wont come a time that you get a little excited and let something slip, perhaps. If some things I say here I wouldn’t say to your face, then you probably shouldn’t be reading about them either.
Having said all that, no one that currently reads this blog (that I know of, anyway) will be denied access, so you lot can rest easy.
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