A slice of the surrogacy story

Spoke with the co-ordinator today, who didn’t seem to think it would be a problem to change C’s meds, so I am leaving it in her capable hands and hoping for the best.

I have also had a couple of new responses to my search for a surrogate. Which is very pleasing. But also quite draining to go through it all over again. Informing people of the process. Letting them know what the legal requirements are (such as being over 25 and already have given birth at least once) and then they reply that they don’t meet the criteria. Or we talk for a few months and then they tell me that their husbands say no. This is the kind of thing I want them to be thinking and talking about BEFORE they contact me.

On the website on which I have ‘advertised’ (using the term loosely as it is illegal to advertise for a surrogate here) I have left links to the RTC website where interested parties can look at FAQ’s to get some basic information. I have encouraged them to join some forums so they can get an idea of what surrogacy involves – this is NOT just renting an incubator, people, the situation could never be that simple. It is full of complex human relationships interwoven with complex human desires and emotional baggage. I want to say: “Dear potential surrogate – you really need to think about all of these things BEFORE you come offering anything to me.” I can’t be getting my hopes up with every new email, it’s too exhausting.

It’s a funny situation. Kind of like a job interview (where the applicant mostly has no idea of the criteria), but also kind of like a series of (online) dates, where you’re looking for ‘the one’ – the lifelong partner. So, not something you want to rush into, ya know? This here is a lifelong commitment, so the choice has to be made after a very thorough examination of all the aspects, and a building up of relationships needs to happen before such an important decision can be determined. This takes (a lot of) time and it takes effort, and it takes me baring my soul, and laying my vulnerability and dependency on the line to total strangers. This is not something I find easy. This is not like choosing a hairdresser, or someone to service your car. And when you think you are getting somewhere, and it turns out you are not, well I won’t say it is like (finally) getting pregnant and then miscarrying, but there are similarities I can assure you, and it IS another loss.

So now I have organised a proforma response to the initial email, attaching a PDF file of the application form and all the processes that have to be gone through; my own Q&A sheet so they can get an idea of what kind of relationship I want with a surrogate; links to the forums I suggest they join, and the link to the RTC website so they can get some basic questions answered before they come back for a second ‘interview’.  It feels a lot more clinical, but it also feels a lot more protective for me.

I haven’t written much about my surrogacy search, although I am about eight months into it now, primarily because I don’t want to jeopardise my chances if a potential surrogate were to read a post like this (you’d’ be surprised – my blog has already been found by potential surrogates. I have also given the link to others)  and think “well she’s a bit of a demanding and ungrateful bitch, isn’t she?”

But now I feel like I need to say how it is for me. I can’t hold back my feelings and ‘make nice’ so someone likes me, and I don’t piss them off. It’s like walking on eggshells, and it’s stressful and also somehow a bit dishonest. And I don’t want dishonesty on any level to be part of this kind of relationship.  Any surrogate who wants to work with me will have to be able to take me as I am, and accept that I am doing the best I can to protect my heart, which is my priority right now. And if they choose to walk away because they think that I am asking too much, then so be it.

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